What Do You Hide Behind?
Hey family!
There’s a habit I should probably break. It’s been a pattern in my life for as long as I can remember, and I’ve structured a lot of the different aspects of my life around this conditioning: I love to hide behind my performance.
It’s always comfortable hiding there. My performance, my accomplishments, and my achievements act as a safety net for a very fragile ego. When I played basketball, a lot of my motivation stemmed from wanting to do well enough to not be rejected by my family and friends. In school, I would strive for solid grades just so that nobody would notice the massive amount of uncertainty and self-doubt I experience in the classroom. Relying on the familiarity and comfort I feel from presenting myself as what I’ve accomplished is kind of like giving people something shiny to look at to draw their attention away from what I don’t want them to see.
Like, “Look! Here’s what I did. Here’s what I’m doing. These things don’t indicate who I am at my core, and there’s no vulnerability or room for a meaningful connection here. But look at this, don’t look deeper to who I am truly.”
At the root of it all, I understand that it’s much easier for me to hide behind my performance and accomplishments than it is to allow people to see me for who I am, including my insecurities, fears, and flaws. But easy doesn’t mean better, because what’s most rewarding in our lives lies past the curtain we hide behind.Everything that is fulfilling and beautiful is right alongside moments of vulnerability and honesty. It’s been the hardest truth to implement into my life, and deciding not to mask my insecurities takes constant effort.
I’m not sure why we hide. I guess there’s a lot of reasons…maybe we’re scared to show up as ourselves because there are things we don’t want people to see, and not having a wall of accomplishments or external things to place our confidence in makes us feel way too open. But its taken me time (and I’m still learning) to realize that being open and being vulnerable doesn’t always equate to being hurt.
The challenge of this week is to identify and come out from behind the things we use as a safe haven from judgement and rejection. That goes for me, too. Let’s get vulnerable, and let’s step into spaces with no masks and no walls. Easier said than done, of course, but it can be done together!
Quote of the week is a quick one from my good man Osho:
“The only thing that matters about yourself is your own opinion about yourself.”
Reflection question: What do you hide behind and why?
